a girl named nicole.

The depression diaries

Day one.

This is not day one of depression. I don’t think it’s possible to wake up one morning and just have depression. It creeps up on you. Slowly starts infesting your mind, gnawing away quietly as not to bring the operation to your attention. As you weaken, you begin to lose consciousness with the rest of the world. Until the most you can remember about true happiness is that at one indistinct point, you were capable of reaching it.
This is not day one of self harm and self doubt. That began when I was still a child. As I mature, the nature and degree of my self destruction becomes more vicious. External mutilation becomes internal destruction.
This is not day one of eating disorders. It is not the first time I have purposely denied my body essential nutrients. Unlike the last times, this is not an act of vanity, an easy way to an appealing physique. The only thing I am capable of feeling other then depression is hunger, and so I do.
This is not day one of numbness. This is not the beginning of the dull ache of nothingness that all too many of us are accompanied by too often. It’s not the first time there has been storm clouds in my mind, or that I’ve been in a comatose of inability to care.

This is day one of realization. Of war and retaliation and the battle between good and evil. This is day one of the awakening.